Defining moments. This has been on my mind for a while. Years probably. I just had the courage to verbalize it last year. I am not sure why it took me so long. Maybe because I felt bad that it may have been within my power to have made a better choice, instead of having spent so much time being tormented by it. That was hard to admit. Out loud. To anyone.
Years ago…a lot of years, over eight years ago to be exact, I was in a head on collision. The moment before impact was one of the worst moments of my life. I remember saying to myself, “I am going to know what it feels like to go through a windshield. I am going to know what it feels like to die like this.”
But I do not know either of those things. I did not go through the windshield, and I did not die. I walked away from it.
I am still not sure to this day how. It had to have been God, and the legion of angels sent to do battle for us. I have seen similar accidents with much more horrible endings. We met the other vehicle on a curve, on a hill. They were going the wrong way. There was virtually no time to do anything.
I walked away from it. Physically.
The emotional scars are taking years to heal. You probably do not want to ride in a car with me now. And you probably do not want me to ride with you. If it makes you feel any better, those aren’t top on my list of fun things to do either. I joke and call this a healthy fear meant to protect me. There is probably some truth to that. I live in a state ranked second in the nation for having the worst drivers. Second in the NATION. The City Paper said that we have “Smiling Faces, Sucky Drivers“. I did not need this independent accident report to convince me.
This is probably not the best place for me to live.
It is a good thing I love reading, writing, photography, and a million other things I can do at home. Just between us, I was a bit of a homebody before the accident, minus the horrific moment replaying in my head.
And I do get out. I go out with friends. I go shopping. I do photography projects out and about. But there are a lot of particulars around those times. Some days I just cannot do it. The next day I could be fine. Well, except for all those bad drivers. I have learned to listen to myself, though. One day I did not want to go. I mean I was REALLY resisting. I just did NOT want to go. Period. I let someone push me into it. I was hit from behind that day. Trust your own intuition for your own life.
I guess it’s like if you hurt yourself, and you can walk, but now you walk with a little bit of a limp.
If I could go back in time, I would do one thing completely different. Well, technically, the first thing would be to not have been in the car that day, or at the very least, not on that road. But, if that could not have been avoided, there is one other thing I would have done differently AFTER the car accident. It could have changed the rest of my life.
There was a moment, however brief, I said to myself, “I just walked away from a head on collision, and I am fine. Oh, WOW. WHO does that???” I felt an elation that made it all feel celebration worthy. I lived. And then the moment before impact came flooding back and began to play all over in my head, which it has for all the years ever since. Defining moments.
That moment was a defining moment. There were two roads to take. Two choices. Which attitude was I going to choose? It was one split second. I chose the wrong one.
It probably took me quite a few years to ever admit that to myself. Then it was quite a few more years before I ever said it out loud. I guess this is huge progress telling the whole world. OK, there are probably like two people who read my blog, so maybe we are not talking the whole world, but still. This is huge. This is me, showing up.
This all came back fresh in my mind recently when I heard about a group of teens celebrating a sweet 16 who were in a limo that was t-boned by a train. They got out before impact. The tire got stuck, and the guard rail came down on the car. It was a terrifying moment as the train came barreling down the track…straight into their vehicle.
I thought to myself this could be played one of two ways. Either they are going to let that fear set in and change their lives forever on this special day meant to celebrate a life, or they can celebrate what they just survived. They can indeed really celebrate life. Defining moments.
Remember when your children were little, and they would get hurt, or rather they would think they were hurt because something may have scared them, and we knew they were more scared than actually hurt? We were always right there, telling them they are fine or even better making a big deal over how awesome that was and how awesome they were for coming through that like a superhero. I can just hear it now, “Oh, WOW! Look at you! That was awesome! You are so amazing! Look at what you did!” The little one would always go from crying and upset to smiling and laughing. He’s fine. He’s better than fine. He’s a superhero. He’s so cool. Defining moments.
I hope someone was there for those kids telling them that.
I wish someone would have told me that.
If no one is there telling you that, tell yourself.
I guess we never get to an age where we do not benefit from a little of that.
I was a real estate agent in my hometown when a category 4 (almost 5) hurricane came through our town about midnight one night. We walked out the next morning to more devastation than I had probably seen in the sum of my whole 25 years, and the sum of the next 25 years. I guess what I am trying to say is it was more devastation than I have ever seen in my whole life.
The owner of the real estate company immediately hired someone to come in for a conference to speak to us on getting through a time like this. I love that he knew to do deal with it quickly. I remember listening to her when she began to list all of the life changing events we deal with in life, such as a major disaster, divorce, death, a move, or a new job. What she did not realize when she listed these things as examples was that I had gone through every single one of them within the last eighteen months. Every single one of them. My dad died, we moved, my Navy husband cheated and wanted a divorce, I moved again with my two small children, I started a new job, and now I just went through a major disaster. I remember the moment as that realization sank in. I felt this joy wash over me as I realized that I had indeed gone through all of those things, everything that was capable of breaking someone, and I survived them. All of them. Every single one of them. I was still here. I was still standing. I was going to be OK. Defining moments.
The lesson I have learned from all of this is that if something bad happens to you, reframe it as soon as possible. As soon as humanly possible. You survived it. You’re awesome. You’re a superhero. And you’re going to be OK. God’s got this. He’s got you. Defining moments.
Defining Moments…
The Manifesto
Always… Take care of your soul. Think thoughts that make you soar high. Make good choices. Speak words that give life. Celebrate every good thing. Bring your awesomesauce. Be a superhero. This. This is your destiny. Defining moments. – Topaz
Defining moments.
Writing on the wall of life,
~Topaz